Two Weeks

•March 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

It’s been almost two weeks since I started this journey.  I sat down the other night and continued reviewing paperwork, bills, logging my expenses, etc.  I thought I already did that, but there was more.  A lot more.  I love when my house is clean, LOVE IT, but this is a different kind of cleaning.  More like from the inside out.  I now know exactly what I’m spending, where, and on what.  I know exactly what my bills are and when they’re due.  I have one or two items that I am “vague” on, such as a library fine.  I know it’s around 30.00 but I don’t know the exact amount and I’m embarrassed to contact them.  But I will.  Everyday I buy the same sandwich from a local convenience store.  With chips and water, it comes to about 10.00.  I can buy everything to make them at home and get approx. 10 of the exact same sandwiches with the extra’s, for approx. 30.00.  Savings?  $70.00!!!  I find myself constantly running numbers now.  I was googling credit unions last night.  I’m paying attention.  It feels great.  I don’t have anymore to work with than I did two weeks ago when I was in such despair and shame, but now that I “care”, and now that I am paying attention, appreciating what I DO have, and overall just respecting myself and money more, I feel 100% better.  SO MUCH better. 

I am also starting to integrate a “prosperity consciousness”.  This is key to my recovery.  We do get what we dwell on  and most of us dwell on lack and struggle, when all around is is lavish abundance.  Just look at the leaves on a tree, grains of sand on a beach…stars in the sky, kisses from my dogs.  It is a wealthy, abundant universe and we are all part of that.  Lack and limitation, not to mention struggle is so ingrained in me, that I must be diligent about this.  Reading, speaking and writing affirmations, listening to subliminal tapes are a good start.



•February 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Another weekend is here.  Snow on the ground, but February is almost over, can’t wait till spring.

I borrowed half of  my mortgage payment from my mother today.  Went to the bank and made the deposit.  I also woke up with a painful eye, so mom paid for the doctor appt. and for the $67.00 eye drop that were prescribed.  I have an eye infection, but the point is, I’m 50 years old and my mother’s paying for my doctor appts. and medicine.  That’s just not right.  She is by far, the sweetest, most generous, most beautiful lady on earth.  Never makes me feel ashamed, she’s perfect to me.  My greatest dream is to be able to afford to take my mother on beautiful vacations, buy her a new car, and just spoil her silly. 

I found out yesterday that a young girl, around 22 years old, who I posted with for a few years on an internet forum passed away on Labor Day Weekend, 2009.  I had no idea as I haven’t been to the forum much recently.  She was such a beautiful girl, who went home from college once a week to see her “mommy”, loved American Idol, loved life.  I’m still in shock.  She didn’t get Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas.  She passed away right before them.  I remember how much she loved Christmas.

Devastating earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and tsunami warnings for Japan, Hawaii, etc., happening right now.  I’m not trying to be doom and gloom, but suddenly my problems seem so insignificant, and all the things I have to be grateful for seem huge.  Rearranging my thinking is so key to my recovery, and knowing (not just saying), but truly knowing how blessed I am keeps me in the proper mind set.

God bless all those in Haiti and Chili, and protect everyone from potential tsunami’s.  Please wrap your loving, protective arms around all those in harms way.  Thank you.  Amen.

Eye Opening

•February 26, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I continue to sort, read, attend to and/or file paperwork.  I cheated on my taxes a couple of years in a row.  Got caught and now I have to pay them back. I’m certainly not going to dispute it, I want to pay it back.  I mean, if I’m going to be honest, I would rather not have been caught but I was and I’m agreeing to make amends.  I’ll be paying $85.00 a month via direct deposit.  For a long time, a few years anyway.  I also read recent social security information I recieved.  I was blown away to see my yearly incomes listed year by year.  Back when I mediatate, wrote and spoke affirmations, and got crytal clear about my finances I was earning $78,000.00.  You can see the steady decline each year as I forgot about God, prayer, and all the other tools I used and instead got full of myself and took on a “entitlement” attitude.  I mean, I earned my income, but clearly when I was asking and accepting God’s help, when I was diligently working on developing a prosperity consciousness, I was doing much better.  However, I also spent what I earned.  I never held on to my money, never had a savings, never invested.  Interesting.  This new found awareness is so invaluable, and I am extremely grateful, albeit embarrassed.

Good Morning

•February 25, 2010 • Leave a Comment

It’s been a good morning so far.  We’re getting another snow storm.  I went out to the barn, I own a horse and board her at a co-op.  On the way I stopped and bought some groceries, a case of water, and a case of Duraflame logs.  I spent much less than I normally would and feel completely satisfied.  Arrived at the barn and took care of the 20 horses that are boarded there.  It’s one of my favorite places to be, and it’s inexpensive because I work off most of the board.  I came home and called in for my unemployment benefits, called in to arrange a direct deposit mortgage payment, and also called my insurance company to put in a claim. I have some water damage from past storms.  I don’t know if it’s covered, but I made the call which I’ve been putting off, and it feels great.  I hhope to get some cleaning and organizing done.  “They” say that your surroundings are symbolic of what’s going on inside of you.   That humbles me as my surroundings are very disorganized and neglected.  At least those corners of the house (and my car) where I spend most of my time.   Being conscious of my behavior is a new concept for me, but I really do feel so much better.  I am meditating more as well, and journaling daily.  I continue to log all my expenses, every last penny, and to check my bank balance.  No more vagueness or avoiding.  Again, it’s a start.  It’s 100% better than where I was a mere week ago.  It took years and years of bad habits to get here, so success won’t be overnight, but if I keep moving in a positive direction, I’m bound to get there someday.

Applying for Assistance

•February 24, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’m on my way to apply for an energy assistance program.  My electric/heat bill is close to $2000.00.  If I lie and say my daughter lives with me I’ll qualify.  If I don’t lie, I’m not sure if I’ll qualify.  I need the help.  But I need not to lie more.  I ask God to take over this situation and that His will be done, and not mine.  Leaving now.

Rain Rain Go Away…

•February 23, 2010 • Leave a Comment

There’s nothing like a dark, gloomy, cold rainy day to brighten the spirits up, but that’s February.  It’s been a good day so far.  I made a point of using the ATM at the bank, where there aren’t any fees.  I’m not going to pay fees anymore, unless it’s an emergency.  At the end of the year, the fees I pay for MY convenince probably total $100.00 or more.  It adds up quickly, and by paying all my bills over the phone, those service fees also add up.  That’s irresponsible and disrespectful, again, to myself and to money.  I am changing my ways, slow but sure.  I continue to log every penny I spend into my book, and I continue to check my bank balance daily, even if I don’t want to know.  That’s the stinking thinking that got me here. 

I also opened up and semi-read a pamphlet that came from the bank on Mutual Funds and Stocks.  I never, EVER would have read such a thing, and quite frankly, understand little.  But I am making friends with money.  I am learning, and not running.  If it’s true that if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting, then it also has to be true that if you keep doing things you never did before, you’ll start getting things you never got before.  Oh I hope.


•February 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

“Forgiveness is really self-forgiveness. If the world is simply a reflection of your own mind, if all blame and judgement are projections of your own guilt and self-attack, then forgiveness of others releases both the others and the subconscious guilt within you. Guilt is really a form of arrogance which makes life all about oneself, rather than just learning the lesson, correcting the mistake and moving on. Forgiveness puts things in perspective and brings back innocence. It returns life to ease, flow and confidence. Forgiveness is not a form of winning the competition while another fails. Nor is it about condescension or superiority. It is not deigning to grant the other mercy – which is really superiority (hidden judgement and overcompensation for guilt and feelings of inadequacy) and competition (distraction from success and fear of the next step).”