Monday, here I go.

Well, I’ve spent the morning actually reading my bills and making a few calls.  I feel sick to my stomach, seeing all that I owe with no signs of how I’m going to pay it, but I am moving in a positive direction.  I’m not hiding or lying.  At least not as much as before.   Again, many would kill to be in my shoes, they have it so much worse.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.  I also have to find a real job, and clean up my messes, within and without.  One day at a time, one minute at a time if need be.  Behind all this fear and shame is a glimmer of hope and excitement.  To think I may be free of this merry go round that I’m so familiar with someday is something to really look forward to, something to genuinely commit to and work towards.  I’m as committed as ever.  I’m recording every penny I’m spending.  It’s hard to look at on paper, but it’s talking to me and giving me a wealth of information I didn’t have before.  It’s outlining my bad and extremely unnecessary habits.  I am grateful for these hard lessons and I take full responsiblity for creating all of this.

WITH God, all things are possible.

~ by myjourneyout on February 22, 2010.

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