Seeking

•February 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I have been on a self help journey for close to 2 decades.  I’ve been sober for 16 years now.   Back then, I did the work.  The journaling, mediating, reading, affirmations, visualization.  Whatever “they” said to do, I did it.

Then I didn’t.

Today I was reading about a subject I had great interest in at one time.  Just reading about shame and guilt blocking my abundance made me think of a million things I feel guilty about.  Today I will start working on this. 

http://www.emofree.com/Articles2/guilt-shame-loa.htm

If I have to work all night on it, I will.  And I’m not looking forward to it, which means I really need to do it.  Whatever I avoid, is what needs my attention the most.  I learned that a long time ago, but ignored that too.  Love when the gigs up.

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Observing

•February 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I watch with interest, those that manage their money.  I see they won’t go to an ATM where they’re charged a fee.  I will.  I’ll go anywhere that’s easy and convenient, and I don’t even ask for a recipt.  As long as cash (my fix) is delivered out of that metal teller, I’m happy.  I also pay bills over the phone, paying all the service fees.  Easier for me, but irresponsible behavior.  That is a form of disrespect.  Disrespect for money and for myself.  Ouch.  Being honest about money doesn’t come naturally to me at all.  It’s a game I’ve played for so long…yet never won.  Astounding how foolish I’ve been and how I’ve decieved myself for so long.  I am cringing in embarrassment.

Monday, here I go.

•February 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Well, I’ve spent the morning actually reading my bills and making a few calls.  I feel sick to my stomach, seeing all that I owe with no signs of how I’m going to pay it, but I am moving in a positive direction.  I’m not hiding or lying.  At least not as much as before.   Again, many would kill to be in my shoes, they have it so much worse.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.  I also have to find a real job, and clean up my messes, within and without.  One day at a time, one minute at a time if need be.  Behind all this fear and shame is a glimmer of hope and excitement.  To think I may be free of this merry go round that I’m so familiar with someday is something to really look forward to, something to genuinely commit to and work towards.  I’m as committed as ever.  I’m recording every penny I’m spending.  It’s hard to look at on paper, but it’s talking to me and giving me a wealth of information I didn’t have before.  It’s outlining my bad and extremely unnecessary habits.  I am grateful for these hard lessons and I take full responsiblity for creating all of this.

WITH God, all things are possible.

Better Today

•February 22, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I feel a lot better today.  I know I’m committed to learning, growing and changing.  I started recording every penny I’m spending.  Not judging it (yet), just recording it.  I usually hide from financial facts.  Never know my balances, always paying overdraft fees.  Don’t open my bills, or I wait until the phone calls start coming.  I have never respected money, I’ve always feared it.  I think it fears me too and I scare it away.  So, starting today, I’m going to make money my friend.  I’m going to manage what I do have, keep track of everything, learn about investing (even if I have nothing to invest at the moment) and just become money smart.  Even just saying this feels powerful. 

I also feel more grateful today for what I do have.  I’m seeing my surroundings differently, realizing there are millions of people with much less that would love to have my life.  I’ve been so conditioned to look at what I don’t or can’t have, that I’ve hardly noticed or taken care of what I do have.  And I have a lot.

Thank you God.  Thank you so very much.

Circumstances don’t make the man, they reveal him.

Remembering

•February 20, 2010 • Leave a Comment

My daughter is 23 now.  She’s graduated with her bachelors and is now taking more courses at another college.  I’m so proud of her.  And I miss her.  She moved home for 6 months after graduating, but moved out for good this past June.  I just now sat in her old room, with a handful of her stuffed animals held tight to my chest, crying so hard, I’m grateful I don’t have a headache.  I don’t just miss her, but I miss the energy in the house, the giggles, the “mom, guess what?!” she’d exclaim for the 10 th time that day.  I feel so, so incredibly blessed to be her mom and to have the memories I do.  She lives an hour away.  I couldn’t find my way there even with GPS.  She makes a sincere effort to come home and visit and of course we email and text, but I’m not really a part of her life anymore.  Even though that’s how it should be, because we raise our children to be independant and self-sufficient, I wasn’t ready to let go.  I am writing this with tears in my eyes still.  I haven’t cried in so long, and I know part of this is my committment to be honest, to stop hiding and isolating, to stop escaping.  So now I’m left to feel, and it hurts.  It hurts a lot.

If you keep doing what you’re doing…

•February 20, 2010 • Leave a Comment

 

You’ll keep getting what you’re getting.

The best definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

That’s me!

My Journey Out of Debt and Shame

•February 20, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’m starting this blog with the intention of helping someone, anyone, who’s going thru what I am. I hope that by being brutally honest and sharing my journey, that it will also give me more clarity along the way. I have no idea what I’ll write about, how often, or in what order but I’m just going to trust that it will all work out.

Today I admit that I am powerless over finances. I’ve been here before, my whole life really. I am out of control and have no idea how change will occur. I only know that I am willing, one day at a time. I am not looking for a quick fix (for the first time in my life), or for anyone to bail me out. I am willing to do the work, whatever it takes, to get off the gerbil wheel of financial pain, shame and struggle.

I googled Debtors Anonoymous today. I read the book many, many years ago. Got out of that mess and forgot about it. When I went to their website, I felt the first glimmer of hope that I’ve had in forever. I spent a lot of time reading there and will continue to. I am not advocating that website, I’m just saying that for ME, it’s going to be a tool that I use.

I answered every question here with a yes:

http://www.debtorsanonymous.org/help/questions.htm

I wasn’t even surprised that I answered with a yes and every question. I’m no longer in denial. I’m still in FEAR but not denial.